Miley Cyrus VMA performance was a perfectly planned, perfectly executed government plot to divert viewers’ attention away from pressing political issues like the NSA spying scandal and the mounting problems with Syria. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it. Why else would the former Hannah Montana star publicly embarrass herself in front of millions of people? Look, we have already pretty well established that I’m all for expressing your sexuality, and I was perfectly fine with Lady Gaga’s g-string shell bikini. But something about Cyrus’ act on MTV last night made me cringe. Then, I watched it again online and cringed some more. And again after that. Holy smokes! What would Rebeka Seitz say?
She danced with a bunch of pedobears, motorboated and slapped another woman’s derriere, twerked, dry-humped a foam #1 hand, grinded against a married man’s pelvis and stomped wide-legged on stage, thrusting her pelvis into the crowd as if to say, “Here’s my vagina, world! I have an awesome vagina!” I almost expected a cartoonish vagina dentata to escape the confines of her latex underwear, roar mightily at the crowd, and then retreat back into her nether regions. It was that scary.
Lady Gaga has never been this disturbing, and she’s the performer who once attended the VMAs wearing a meat dress. But when Cyrus overshadows her in terms of shock and crude factor, you know there’s a problem. With Miley. On the blogosphere this morning, author Kim Bongiorno wrote an open letter to Cyrus which pretty much sums up how most of us feel. She writes:
“Lady Gaga — only four years older than you — opened the MTV VMAs with a routine that included her being undressed and dressed and undressed again by a gang of spandexed men, which resulted in her dancing in the spotlight donning nothing but a flowery g-string, two strategically-placed seashells and a short wig. Yet, the routine did not feel obscene or overtly sexual in an uncomfortable way. It felt artistic and engaging…it was exhausting watching you try so hard.”
She also suggested that Cyrus “go down to your basement and watch footage of Mary J. Blige’s career” as an example of how to be sexy and desirable without dry humping teddy bears and fake masturbating on stage. It’s sound advice, and the young entertainer would be wise to take it, because if she doesn’t, she’ll end up no better than Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears: Washed up has-beens who became little more than punch lines in a string of cruel jokes of their own making.
Bill Maher, who is known for his blunt and sometimes mean-spirited opinions, tweeted, “Haven’t been in a strip club in a while, but good to see nothing has changed.”
As I scoured Twitter for positive reviews, I found very few people who thought what Cyrus did was fine. They were vehement in their “leave Miley alone, she’s just discovering herself!” messages, which reminded me of Britney’s equally passionate defenders. Mostly what I found were memes of her butt hanging out of the flesh-colored pants, coupled with chicken butt, and a comparison to Jim Carrey’s Vera de Milo character. Cringe-worthy, indeed.
Rumors are going wild that Robin Thicke is disappointed in the performance, citing he didn’t think Cyrus would steal his thunder. It was supposed to be his big night. Others are saying that the former “Hannah Montana” star’s PR team is going into damage control. According to a source for gossip rag US magazine, her rehearsals were toned down versions of what ultimately appeared in the live performance. Another source, however, contradicts this, assuring the magazine’s readers that the dance moves in her performance were known way ahead of time.
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